Thin Line

My life turned upside down on October 24th. I haven't written much since then, even though I've been asked to, even though I've wanted to, even though my soul has been longing to.

The nightmarish fog of my family losing three young, beautiful souls over the course of six days hasn't lifted. I've been told it won't for a very long time.

I think of them all the time. When the sun comes up; when a breeze lifts a strand of hair out of my face; when a young child does something extremely silly and ridiculous; most especially when I surround myself with music and those who I love.

One particular song that I've played over and over again this summer is "Thin Line" by My Morning Jacket. It came out right as I decided to head into the online dating world again. I don't know why I signed up again. I was no where ready for that or looking to bring anyone into my grief. I simply wanted to meet people, hear others' stories and ignore tragedy like an old teddy bear left at home by a college student. I played this song, over, and over, and over again, reminding myself about my own reality, of not being able to reciprocate love, of wasting other people's time.

But I fell for someone. Carefully. Slowly.

I often reminded myself of last year, when falling in love nonsensically led to non-commitment on the other person's part. Reason whispered into my ear that nothing would last. That loss would come.

I prayed for guidance. I asked my brother for signs. I asked my Mom-Mom if she thought this guy was a good catch. 

The signs came, but maybe I confused what they all meant. Maybe the signs told me "Yes, go for it!" simply so I could start to love again during such an intense, heartbreaking time. 

I began to shake fear's grip. I let go of comparing previous experiences' outcomes to the present's future. I began to let my heart beat to its own drum.

I'm not looking for pity, empathy, or condolences. I'm writing this to spread the love, to get people to speak up when their hearts tell them to. To commit their entire soul to what the heart wants, not what society deems smart, or reasonable, or the right or wrong choice at this or that age. To love oneself, truly and deeply.

Go for something because you're terrified of the outcome. That's the only way we learn.

He left for a long vacation far away. I don't know if I'll see him again when he gets back. I don't know if he'll win his battle against his own fears. 

But what I do know is that each risk is worth taking, each leap of faith worth the terror. I wrote the following before he boarded his plane. 

Maybe this was exactly what I needed to follow my brother's advice. "Live, live, live. Love, love, love."

-------------

What I see is two people in love but afraid of where it will take them... too focused on fear.

Fear is a sneaky bastard. he creeps up on you when you feel the highest, changing colors like a chameleon to get under your skin, making you doubt yourself and preventing you from acting on what you truly want. 

But failure isn't known to a character as they make their way through a storyline.

And a character's storyline doesn't have a guaranteed number of pages or even lines for that matter.
If you never try something, you'll never know if it's worth doing.

The only things we can keep present from the past are the lessons that will continue to guide us through life. Failures are to be acknowledged and tucked away, to be referenced but not dwelled upon. Successes have been built upon and are most often a direct result of a failure or mistake.

And looking back, I wouldn't have changed any of my life's history, even those points that led to failure or heartache or a ridiculous deportation situation, because they made me into who I am today, and I couldn't be happier with how I've handled them and who I've become as a result of those terrifying, gut wrenching, mind blowing at the time moments. If I've learned anything in 27 years, it's that fear and regret are your worst enemies when it comes to decisions and living life.

Sing Along Sunday: So Long Summer, Salut September

Hola mes amigos! It's been quite some time since I posted on here. I did like the French do and took a good month long break from blogging and signing into the social media giant, Facebook. Instead, I relished the summer days, took out a ton of books from the library, performed for the fifth time with my belly dance studio, Sahara Dance, drove four hours each way to the beach every weekend, and thanked the ocean for her ability to remind me that I am one little baby star in this big, confusing, ever-expanding Universe.

Not signing into Facebook was refreshing; the time way helped me reassess how I was spending my time previously. I expected the site to have a completely new look when I logged back in on September 1st, but nothing seemed all that different. Sure, I had a ton of notifications, tags, messages, and the like, but I can honestly say I didn't feel lost without it. Logging in once, or multiple times a day/week, changes nothing about my life perspective, confidence, or friendships. The people who wanted to stay in touch with me during my break did. I had a lot of support behind my decision to go off the radar and appreciate those who were so willing to cooperate with my missing digital self.

Ultimately what made my summer especially memorable was the amount of live music I experienced. I spent a lot of my evenings and weekends soaking up talent, old and new, with friends, family, and my good old self. As a result, this playlist explores artists who I was fortunate to see, who I will be seeing within the next few months, or who have recent released albums/have upcoming albums out this fall.

Jamie Cullum

Banks

C.J. Chenier and band warming up

XPoNential Festival 2014

Philly skyline from XPoNential Festival

Spoon

As a friendly reminder, in order to listen along with the song descriptions below, be sure to click on this link. You can also follow me on Spotify by clicking here. You will need a Spotify account in order to access the majority of the songs listed in the So Long Summer, Salut September playlist.

Amusez-vous! 

1. "Feels Like Fire" by Ryan Adams: Ryan was the Saturday night headliner for the XPoNential Festival this summer. His CDs soothed my soul while driving to and from the beach during my teenage years. The venue was a bit too large for his style of music in my humble opinion, but he rocked on stage nonetheless.
   
2. "Mess Is Mine" by Vance Joy: You may remember this Australian artist from my April playlist. His full length album finally came out, and it is brilliant. I hope to see him in October when he comes to town.
3. "Rabid Animal" by Lake Street Dive: Holy cow, this band is amazing. From the moment they stepped onto the stage at the XPoNential Festival, I could not stop grooving along to their music. That voice, the bassist's dance moves, the drummer's shout out to being home in Philly: their performance was, hands down, one of the top three during that three-day festival.
   
4. "Habits (Stay High)" by Tove Lo: I first heard the Hippie Sabotage remix version of this song way back in the winter. While the song isn't new, I couldn't stop hitting repeat on the original version this summer. The lyrics are raw, depressing even, but so truthful.
   
5. "Lost On The Way Home" by Chromeo, featuring Solange: While everyone was speculating about what went down in the elevator this summer, I was grooving to Solange. Little sister Knowles has got talent.
6. "Tough Love" by Jessie Ware: Jessie played at the nearby Fillmore last Halloween and I still regret not buying tickets to that show. While I'm currently obsessing over "Say You Love Me," I also love the lyrics and '80s vibe of this single off of her upcoming album.
7. "Lyin King" by Jhene Aiko: I've highlighted this West Coast R&B singer before in a previous playlist, but I can't get enough of her, plain and simple. Her lyrics are so well written and, more often than not, discuss her troubles finding a respectful man worth her time and heart. "Lyin King" is one of my favorite tracks off of her full-length album, which was just released last week.
8. "Next Time (Won't Give My Heart Away" by Keyshia Cole: I'm so happy Keyshia is back on the R&B scene. Her latest album will be out this fall. While she's already previewed three singles off of the new album, this one reminds me the most of her past work.
9. "Forever Don't Last" by Jazmine Sullivan: This song isn't on Spotify yet, but you can listen here on SoundCloud. If the first ten seconds don't have you catching your breath, I'm not sure what you think real music is these days.
10. "Made to Love" by John Legend: I've always loved John Legend's music, but I wish the radio would stop overplaying, "All of Me." This song deserves so much more play time. Plus, there's a magnificent crescendo: swoon.
11. "Rompe La Cintura" by Alexis & Fido: Okay, okay, this song is nowhere near new, but I've heard it so many times while out dancing earlier this summer that I had to add it to the list.
    
12. "Bailando" by Enrique Iglesias & Descemer Bueno: While this has certainly been overplayed on the local Spanish radio station, I find it super catchy. Plus, they sing slow enough that I can pretend I know what I'm saying in Spanish when I sing along.
    
13. "Omr Gedid" by Elissa: While I'm not a fan of the design of her latest CD, I am super excited about her new music. This is one of the better upbeat songs, although I also love the lyrics and sound of "Ana Nefssi."
14. "ave cesaria" by Stromae: I see him in less than a week and I could not be more excited. Every song off of his latest CD is parfaite.
15. "Forgive & Forget" by The Kooks: The switch thirty seconds into this song reminds me of Franz Ferdinand's original sound. I'm excited to hear the rest of their new album this fall. This song gets me on my feet and clapping in no time. Care to join me?
16. "Turn It Around" by Lucius: Unfortunately, I missed their time on stage at the XPoNential Festival, but my brother and sister had nothing but praise for this band.
17. "Look Out Mama" by "Hurray For The Riff Raff: I did, however, get to the stage just in time to see this New Orleans-based band do their thing. What a wonderful way to start my day of live music! I couldn't keep my eyes off of the fiddle.
18. "Au Contraire, Mon Frere" by C.J. Chenier: These guys know how to put on a show. (They started playing a full song during sound check when another artist was still on the other stage). While they didn't play this tune live, their washboard player did perform all sorts of splits and acrobatic movements while strumming along. I'm pretty sure I embarrassed my little brother with my dance moves...but zydeco music is meant for dancing.
19. "Head On [Hold On To Your Heart]" by Man Man: These guys are crazy! With fur coats on in the July heat, they had their hometown audience grooving to their ways. I love the lyrics to this song, although their more bizarre music truly portrays the essence of their group, Man Man.
    
20. "1998" by Chet Faker: The lyrics to this song are so applicable to today's dating world. If you have a chance to see this Aussie live, do it.
    
21. "Stolen Dance" by Milky Chance: First, it was the beat; next, it was the voice that caught my attention; but then, oh, but then, you listen closely to the lyrics and your mind is blown away.
22. "Time Machine" by Ingrid Michaelson: I haven't really been listening to Ingrid since late high school, but she was one of the better live performers at XPoNential Festival. She had the whole audience laughing with her stories and did a wonderful cover of Magic's "Rude."
    
23. "Little Numbers" by BOY: I think this was one of the most played songs in my car this summer.
24. "When I Get Famous" by Jamie Cullum: I'm still in shock that I was not only able to finally see this genius live, but that I was mere feet away from him. I cannot stress enough how amazing his live show was.
25. "Prendre Le Jour" by Melanie Pain: I've got to include another French song in here somewhere. This particular song was played a ton during summer thunderstorms and midday daydreams. I find it absolutely breathtaking and hope she comes around here one day.
26. "Under The Table" by Banks: While most people are just starting to recognize this talented gal, I've got to brag and tell you that I had the pleasure of seeing her live earlier this year before she started making appearances on national television. She seemed super nervous when she first came out onto the stage, but the nerves quickly disappeared when the whole audience starting singing along with her. While Banks is making a name for herself with her more electronic-based music, this song allows her voice to truly shine on its own.
27. "I Forget Where We Were" by Ben Howard: This man has gotten me through so many challenges over the past four or so years. I cannot contain my excitement to hear his new full-length album this fall. I hope he adds more US dates so I can see him live again. While I search for more praise to write, someone with this much musical talent doesn't really need any sort of description or explanation. Just listen.
    
28. "Outlier" by Spoon: Hallelujah, hallelujah, after thirteen years of being a Spoon fan, I finally got to see them live two weeks ago. They were, of course, marvelous. Two encores, over two hours of music, and beautiful on-stage lighting made this an amazing live show. This is my favorite song off of their most recent album.
29. "So Long, See You Tomorrow" by Bicycle Bombay Club: I'm in love with this song, this band, and their creative music videos.

There you have it, dear readers! Have any musical suggestions for me? Send me a message or comment below. Enjoy your week!

Bisous,

La petite pamplemousse

Sing Along Sunday: Just Be in July

Happy Sunday, readers!

Can you believe that tomorrow marks a full month into summer? July has brought many beautiful summer thunderstorms, resulting in a healthy patio garden for me! The grape tomatoes have been delicious so far. I love my little personal oasis right in the middle of the city. There's nothing more satisfying than watching the sunset surrounded by flowers, vegetables, and herbs you nurtured since late May.

Being able to sit back and physically look at what you've accomplished is a great way to calm down, especially after getting bad news. After waiting two years for a decision, I've finally got the verdict for my court case against my old employer in France (J'expliquerai plus en français un autre jour!). That very same day, I saw over half of my company laid off as a result of a recent merger. Emotions ran high that week. As a result, this month's playlist consists of old time favorites from past difficult chapters in my life as well as recent discoveries, including a few favorite, new dance songs. As I'm finally able to lock the door to the last chapter in my life, I continue to readjust my posture moving ahead: head up, heart open, and hair long.

To listen along with the song descriptions below, be sure to click on this link. You can also follow me on Spotify by clicking here. As a friendly reminder, you need a Spotify account in order to access my monthly playlists. I've included both the artists and song titles below, so if you're not keen on the idea of signing up for another music platform, you can always search and listen to these songs elsewhere.

Enjoy!

1. "I Couldn't Care Less" by Leslie Clio: Sometimes I have a really hard time discovering new music through Spotify's Discover tab, and other times, well, I find gems like this lady. I found a German playlist and was surprised to find this voice among all the rock and punk songs. 
2. "Worried About" by Lissie: While I first fell in love with this song after a break-up with an  ex-boyfriend, I now listen to it with a much different application. While only three years later (not four), I no longer have to worry about how my story with France and their judiciary system will finish.
3. "Just One Day" by Mighty Oaks: This is a refreshingly positive song that reminds you how much you're capable of in one day. The best part occurs at the 50 second mark. 
4. "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead: While Romeo & Juliet is not my favorite William Shakespeare play, the 1996 movie adaptation with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes is one of my all-time favorite movies. The application of the prose to modern sets, clothing, and culture proves that such a story continues and will always continue to be someone's true life no matter the year or city. The scene that this song plays in is breathtaking: a before the storm moment, where Romeo looks out at the beach, pondering life. They always say you never see love coming.
5. "East of the River Nile" by Augustus Pablo: A lovely song to play at the beach or while relaxing on a boat. How have I never heard of this Jamaican legend before?
6. "Take Me to Church" by Hozier: Holy mole, this song is powerful. I highly suggest watching the music video to get the full effect of Hozier's words. Listening to the song already gives me goosebumps every time, but the story shown in the video made me cry. 
7. "Coffee" by Sylvan Esso: Coincidentally, I heard this song playing on Spotify when I came back from getting a second cup of coffee at work. Apparently, I forgot to hit pause on the radio station I was listening to when I got up.
8. "Gooey" by Glass Animals: This song is so smooth. Hailing from Oxford, this group just put out their first full length album in early June. They're definitely on my "to watch out for" list!
9. "Female Robbery" by The Neighbourhood: The perfect song for when the wind starts howling warnings of a coming thunderstorm. The Neighbourhood show a dark, stormy side with these lyrics.
10. "Map Of The Problematique" by Muse: My obsession with Muse began towards the end of high school. Much to my dismay, their more recent albums have turned them more towards pop rock. (You can't head bang quite the same to "Madness" as you can to "Hysteria").  This will always be one of my favorites, not only for the beautifully written lyrics ("I can't get it right since I met you", "Why can't we see, That when we bleed we bleed the same"), but also because of the slow, progressive crescendo.
11. "Closer" by Kings of Leon: I wrote one of my favorite short stories in college while listening to this song on repeat. The story is as twisted as the song sounds.
12. "R U Mine?" by Arctic Monkeys: I love the band's latest CD, AM. While I thought I understood the entire song for once, I had to yet again look up the lyrics. 
13. "One Day I'll Be Rich" by Current Swell: As they sing, "Be careful what it is for which you dream." A lovely, honest song perfect for summer and traveling by bus or train.
14. "Doninké" by Knadia Kouyate: Now, away from the rock and onto African music! I came across this song after listening to Tinariwen. Knadia's voice blew me away.
15. "Watina (I Called Out)" by Andy Palacio and the Garifuna Collective: Andy came from Barranco, Belize, a city where the Garifuna language and its traditions still exist. The Garifuna culture stems from the mixture of two cultures: the Carib indigenous tribe and West Africans (who were were on their way to slavery when their ship sank by St. Vincent Island). Unfortunately, Andy pased away in 2008. I hope his legacy to preserve this culture continues to live on; the scenes in his music video intrigue me to learn more about them.
16. "Karibou Ya Bintou" by Baloji: My sister wrote her senior thesis on this Congolese musician. Naturally, I became interested in his work after listening to her explain her findings. For the music video with accompanying English subtitles, click here.
17. "Rude" by Magic!: The lyrics don't make all that much sense (Word choice: rude? Cruel, might have been better), but the vibe is pretty darn catchy. It'll soon be on your typical top 100 radio station if you haven't heard it played already.
18. "Elastic Heart" by Sia: I have listened to this song every single morning for the two weeks. Her lyrics are absolutely perfect. Sia's story is a beautiful one; I'm so glad she's found the strength to pull herself away from inner demons. Her new CD is equally as powerful lyrically as her first two.
19. "Changes" by Faul & Wad Ad: I came across this song after listening to way too much Avicii in one week. 
20. "Badri" by Dounia Batma: I was introduced to this singer a few months ago. She was runner-up during the first season of Arab Idol in 2011. While she hails from Moroccan, she often sings Khaliji songs. Can you believe she's only 23?
21. "Gharqan" by Rashid Al Majed & Mona Amarsha: Last month my belly dance teacher introduced us to Khaliji, a style of music and dance coming from countries in the Persian Gulf (think Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar, and United Arab Emirates). It wasn't until I started taking this folkloric class that I was really able to differentiate between the various styles of Arabic music. We danced to the remix version in class, but I prefer the one listed here. 
22. "Sodfa" by Yara: Yara is a Lebanese singer who also goes by her birth name, Carla Nazih Berkachi. She came out with a solely Khaliji album in 2009 which was, to many music producers surprise, a huge hit. 
23. "Neseeni" by Sherine Abdul Wahab: A Tunisian friend sent me a ton of Sherine's music a few years ago. I fell in love with her first single, "Ah Ya Leil" when I first started listening to Arabic music in France, but "Neseeni" is my latest go-to song. She has such a strong voice and does such a great job portraying the emotions of her lyrics.
24. "Bridges" by Broods: A duo out of New Zealand, Broods are a huge hit on the other side of the world, trailing right behind Lorde on the charts. I hope they come tour in America.
25. "Truth" by Alexander: Alexander is most commonly known for his hit "Home" produced with his group, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I can never concentrate when I listen to any of his songs; it must be the whistling.
26. "Soft Shock" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs: It's Blitz! got me through a whole heck of a lot during my last year in college. This song always seems to calm me down, no matter the circumstances. 
27. "What Goes Around Comes Around" by Rebirth Brass Brand: It says it all in the title. Karma always gets you in the end, so remember to treat others how you want to be treated!

There you have it, folks! I hope you have a wonderful week! Enjoy this brief summer Polar Vortex before the humidity and heat come back to us.

Bises,

La petite pamplemousse

Virtually Friendless for Ten Days

Ten days ago, I decided to log out of Facebook. I didn't delete or suspend my account. I simply wrote a post explaining that if my friends wanted to follow the experiment, they could come here for updates on my life; then, I signed out. Originally, I thought I write about how I felt as a virtually friendless person every day. I imagined it would be quite a difficult feat, resisting the urge to start typing "face..." into my web browser. I had an idea in my head that I would track email reminders to sign in, or the number of times I went to the web page before realizing I shouldn't log into my account. Yet, I'm already over a week into this personal challenge, I haven't done any of that, and, truth be told, I don't feel all that different.

Meanwhile, the Internet continues to pump out more and more opinion pieces on the world's recent finding that Facebook conducted an "emotional manipulation" experiment on some 700,000 users. It seemed that all I came across were negative takes on the issue...that is until I found this PC Magazine article. John C. Dvorak brings up a very valid point in the third paragraph in regards to the public being malleable prior to Facebook or their experiment. While his tone borders the line of being a bit too sarcastic, his article did made me chuckle. I believe it's exactly what people need to read in order to get that this concept of being "manipulated" really isn't new.

Perhaps that's why I don't feel any different sans Facebook. I still get my daily dose of one-sided news stories through online newspapers, blogs, and radio. My emotions are still a reflection of what occurs in my immediate surroundings, virtual or physical. To put it bluntly, reading about Syrian women struggling to keep their families alive without a job, the recent admission of Apple using child labor as a means to build its products, or even the continuous coverage on young children crossing the Texan border in hopes of escaping a drug-gang run country makes me feel like a useless piece of shit.

While I may not feel changed emotionally thus far, I do see a slight improvement in how I handle my free time. I've returned to cranking out 300 plus page books like I once did in my undergraduate days. One of the two books I finished over the weekend was so hard to put down. Fair Game: My Life as a Spy, My Betrayal by the White House is Valerie Plame Wilson's memoir on the CIA scandal that took over her personal and professional life during President George W. Bush's administration. "Weapons of mass destruction" is a phrase we all ought to remember, for the "alleged" proof of their existence led to Bush's war on Iraq announcement in 2003. While I vaguely remember fighting with certain family members over the legitimacy of these claims, I do not recall the scandal that followed Valerie and her husband years after the original declaration of war. I'm not a huge memoir fan, but I would highly recommend this to anyone who thinks a Facebook experiment is detrimental to our civil rights. As I move onto my third book this week (Lawrence in Arabia: War, Deceit, Imperial Folly and the Making of the Modern Middle East), I realize how much I've missed reading physical books. Taking those ten minutes I would have spent stalking my Facebook News Feed every few hours to read what actually interests me has been really refreshing. And, while I regrettably admit to missing out on friends' pictures and posts (especially those abroad who I can't see in person), I know a simple phone/Skype call or handwritten card goes a lot farther than pushing the Like button.

Out and over,

La petite pamplemousse